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There is no place crazier then Florida

March 25, 2013

There is no place crazier then Florida

Live Blog so please excuses type-o’s =)

So as I sit at the bar on my last night here in Florida, I sit and reflect the last weekend. I got a tan and got to be a floridian. People always say that New Hampshire is the live free and die state. In the last couple years, New Hampshire has done exactly what Rhode Island did, become a Massachusetts clone. The who reason NH and RI were establish was to escape the religious nuts of MA, but in my life time, both rebel states have done nothing but embrace MA. 
I have been to 42 states in the last 10 years. I have experience the night life and day life of most of those states and nothing dare compares to americas penis, AKA Florida. No helmet law, smoking in bars and fireworks. I know what your thinking, big deal. Well in the last 10 years many states of gotten rid of that stuff.
Florida has the most sex offenders by square mile then any other state. They also have the most homeless and runaway down here. Shit if I was homeless I would walk to Florida too. Florida is a place where you go when all other options have dried up. Its great to vacation, but to live down here, you would have to convert your mind into another dimension. 
This state is full of moms who are teens and old people. There is such a gap between the residence here it blows your mind. The rednecks down here are extreme. There are a million strip malls and most contain at least one massage parlor. Its hot all year round and although hurricanes come through every year, people refuse to move away from the coast. Sink holes are popping up every where. This could be the scariest place to live in this country.
I like adventure and I am down for whatever, but Florida is the first place I thought twice about taking a walk at night. Happy hour and the hot tropic weather fuel the craziness. As i sit here and enjoy my $2 beer at happy hour I thank god that there is a Florida. Florida is every Americans fail safe. I know if shit goes bad for me, I have a one way ticket to Florida. Ill be a bartender down the beach or a striper at  club. I’ll have a tan all year round and probably buy a pickup truck. I’ll listen to 80’s bands and country music and have an 18 year old girl friend who would probably be pregnant by 19. I’ll develop a drinking problem and probably die when im 90. Ill learn to line dance and never wear a tie again. 
Florida is my fail safe, my back up plan, my holy shit I need to get out of dodge and start a new life. For all my followers, If i ever go missing, search florida. I’ll be living under the name Tony Sabatori and be telling people I play minor league baseball. 
And Remember Follow Arty Live on

From → Comedy

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